Yesterday I was a guest blogger on The Writing Playground and the discussion turned to self-doubt. As promised, today I’m posting an article I wrote several years ago when I had three books under my belt. Today I’m revising number fifteen and the dragon is much better than it used to be, but there are still days….
This is a lament, a confession, and a celebration.
Today, as a writer, I successfully stared down the dragon of self-doubt–I put my three sample chapters and two proposals in the mail. I am not so foolish as to believe him slain or even mortally wounded, but he has, for now, retreated.
The dragon roams at will, preying on writers at large. Perhaps you’ve encountered his frightening visage. Oh, the dragon is a very clever nemesis, often disguising himself. But, he relentlessly pursues the same end. The dragon seeks to slay our creativity, feast on our persistence, and destroy our self-confidence until we bow before the beast and proclaim ourselves writers no more.
It is an odd day indeed when my dragon does not rear his ugly head. Most days he scorches me as he breathes down my back with the fires of self-doubt. I have completed and revised three contracted books. Nonetheless, writing is no easier. I have yet to complete a manuscript without vowing I will never write another. It is too painful. Too hard. I am not as fast/eloquent/gifted/clever/original/smart/ambitious/dedicated as others. The dragon singes me as he shouts that I am merely an imposter.
Several years ago, the dragon nearly did me in. Beyond battle weary, I stopped writing. I went for months without attending a GRW meeting. Each month I would toss aside the RWR and The Galley without opening them–it was too painful, for the dragon sneered at me from each page.
And then one day I read a book. I had no idea how fast, smart, ambitious or dedicated this writer was. However, I knew without a doubt that I would never possess her level of gifted/clever/original talent. It stood alone as one of the best books I had ever read.
And then I had an epiphany. I have read hundreds of great books–marvelous stories in which I lost myself. Thousands of wonderful books await me. What if all those writers had laid down before the dragon of self-doubt and given up? Surely each one of them could name a writer they thought possessed more talent or drive. What if we all voted on best writer of the universe and no one but the winner was allowed to write?
The goofy point is there will always be writers better than me, writers who are more…well, you know the drill…but, there is room for everyone who is willing to stare down the dragon and pursue the craft of writing.
Jen! I am so glad that you still writting books.
:cooldance:
Comment by barbara — December 6, 2006 @ 11:16 am
Ditto, me too. I admire what you do and thank you so very much.
Comment by Ginger — December 6, 2006 @ 11:35 am
“Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.”
Some days, I just want to hand the bottle of ketchup over and end the torment.
Comment by Kimberly — December 6, 2006 @ 5:39 pm
I christen thee “Jennifer, the Dragon Slayer.” Take your bow. :thankyou:
Great article and thanks not only for yesterday’s guest blog but today’s comment on NASCAR romance. I swear I had no idea you were one of the NASCAR bunch.
Comment by Marilyn — December 6, 2006 @ 6:10 pm
Awww, thank you Barbara and Ginger.
Kimberly, it’s been one of those days - pass the ketchup and I’ll just end this. :wallbash:
LOL, Marilyn! Dragons and NASCAR and romance, oh, my. :happy2: And I really enjoyed hanging out at The Playground yesterday.
Comment by Jennifer — December 6, 2006 @ 8:29 pm